I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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