Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
