I can text with my tongue
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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