and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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