he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
