I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
