mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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