Capitaan dildo arrescate!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
