you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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