i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
