Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
