something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My vagina just clenched in fear
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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