There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
