So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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