I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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