you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
