I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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