When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
