ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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