did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
