I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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