Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
