Have you finally orgasmed yet?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
