My sheets look like a crime scene.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
