He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
