I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
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The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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