i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
