This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
