His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
