You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
