when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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