At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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