I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
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Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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