Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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