I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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