Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
