I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
