so explain again why im purple
no
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
