i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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