my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
