Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
