I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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