sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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