I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
