so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
