I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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