I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
