I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
