I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
