just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
