Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Randomize
