Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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