no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
