the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
