Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think a kid would responsible me up
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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