Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
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I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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