HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i came on her dog
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
