What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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