He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
