i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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