I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
