Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
