Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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