Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
