Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
