if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
