I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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