do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
