Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
